If you haven’t seen the new Jurassic World movie yet, run (don’t walk) …
to the nearest trash-can and put this whole movie inside of it. The entire thing. As a matter of fact, we may need to call those junk removal people who show up on Hoarders with the big trucks and a bunch of college students so that we can get the entire Hollywood inside of the landfill right now for allowing this to be made.
When I was young, we were super excited if we got a sequel to a movie we liked. Now, we’re lucky if they stop at a trilogy. This iteration of the Jurassic Park series is so far removed from the original that I almost stood up at the end and announced that, in the case of the abomination that is Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the beloved 1993 Spielberg classic “is NOT the father!” It didn’t quite rise to the disaster level of The Darkside of Michael Bay’s Whole Ass (the last Transformers installment), but it was well on the way. There were times when I couldn’t help but laugh at how comically terrible the acting, writing, or special effects (with the low price-tag of $170 million) were.
[**I would say spoiler alert, but the whole movie is 3-month old cottage cheese, so…**]
The film had many epic fails, some of which I will take the time out of my day to outline here, just because I’m a good Samaritan and I want to save you from taking the time, which you can never get back, out of your day to actually watch this movie. Some of the most ridiculous things that happened in the film include:
- Starlord is actually cuddling with a dinosaur at one point. Now, Hollywood has tried to convince me of many things over the years, but somehow I didn’t think we were quite to the dinosaurs-can-cuddle point in our cinematographic history yet.
- They really want me to believe that a man went to a place where there are wild dinosaurs roaming freely with headphones on and when folks started screaming and pointing that there was something behind him, his response was “I can’t hear you.” The writers really want me to believe that this is a thing that would happen. They actually wrote that into the script under the premise that I would believe it was even a remote possibility.
- Although the dinosaurs and their fate on the unstable island is literally the talk of the entire world, according to the news clips playing sporadically throughout the film, there is not one single helicopter or any other entity monitoring the impending destruction to notice that dozens of random guys are capturing the dinosaurs and putting them on a ship…? No sonar, no radar, no satellite picked up on this? Okay.
- Starlord outruns a volcanic eruption. Some of the damn dinosaurs didn’t make it, but a presumably-out-of-shape middle-aged guy who has been drinking beer and leisurely building a bungalow for the last several years somehow managed to Usain Bolt his ass out of there. Cool.
- And also, they just brought mad actual fucking dinosaurs into the U.S. without anyone noticing? Like, Customs jacked me for an orange I tried to bring back from Singapore this year, but they let dozens of dinosaurs just slide through?!
- How is the Indoraptor the most dangerous creature ever created ever and it couldn’t find three people who were literally right under its nose? But Blue could pick up a scent from a mile away and the Indoraptor is supposed to be Blue upgraded? The Indoraptor can apparently play dead and not succeed in even capturing a 10 year old. So….waste of money if you ask me…Dr. Huang from SVU is fired.
- Speaking of the Indoraptor, why the dinosaur look so damn evil? I mean…it’s a dinosaur…you literally do not have to make it look evil because we can already tell by the big ass teeth that it will kill us fast fast. Whoever did the special effects probably thought that they WENT OFF when they designed this thing, but this isn’t a Disney movie. Chill. [In general, all the special effects had me wondering what they really did with the money spent on this film.]
- So…Starlord & Co. just gone unleash dozens of dinosaurs on America, then go on a Sunday morning drive? Not call 911. Or animal control even. Just drive through the mountains singing zip-a-dee-doo-dah. Because maybe I’m lawyering this to death, but that sounds like negligence to me son. I mean, you just watched a whole entire Velociraptor run off into the woods and you’re just like, “Bye Blue, we’ll miss you! xoxo.” Lolz.
- So there is lava and smoke spewing from this suddenly-active volcano, and all the dinosaurs are running at full speed without any other thought in the world than saving their own lives…oh, and also trying to eat Starlord. If you have ever been in any sort of natural disaster (I’m a child of the coast, so hurricanes are my cup-of-tea), you know that them animals are getting the fuck out of dodge no matter what. Why would a dinosaur stop in the soon-to-be-covered-in-lava prairie just to eat you? Or that other dinosaur that was literally willing to set itself on fire with lava just to get a bite of homeboy from The Get Down (who is just as bad here as he is in that series). Did they breed the self-preservation skills out of the dinosaurs when they cloned them? They must have subbed in some Giant Panda DNA somewhere.
- When people went to buy dinosaurs on the black market, what was their plan for when they got home? Did all of them think they could just slip into and out of countries with whole ass dinosaurs in the trunk and no one would notice? Are they planning to make a triceratops the new family dog? There were arms dealers in the crowd, so I’m assuming that they planned to weaponize at least some of the dinos, but I kind of feel like unleashing a dinosaur in battle has to violate some Geneva convention or something.
There’s more, but I’ll stop there. This is not a go-see-it-for-yourself sort of situation. This is abort-mission level bad. The kingdom really has fallen, and hopefully this franchise will as well.