A Quiet Place…Except for My Heartbeat

Listen. No seriously, listen. Because even though the movie A Quiet Place is mostly sans dialogue, you still need to LISTEN. I have never been so damn stressed out in a movie in my damn life. Does that make a thriller good? When your blood pressure is breaching heart-attack levels for almost two hours straight? Well, then this movie is good as hell.

Okay, so by now most people have heard about the premise of this film. Deep into some identified event, which we deduce is the arrival of some sort of alien praying mantis thingy, a family (the Abbots) lives in as-near-complete silence as possible to avoid getting snatched the hell up. These giant ants hunt by sound, obviously. But what you may not have previously heard is that you need to call your primary physician and get some Xanax before you even think about stepping foot into the theater.

See, within the first four minutes or so, we already know that some shit is about to go down. But, you know, this is the movies and usually they really not gone do you like that because it’s kind of a dark place to go so soon into a movie, but then again, A Quiet Place is apparently very willing to also go to a dark place.

Now, I’m not gone talk about how people raise they kids. Because, apparently ass whoopings are very faux pas these days, so I would hate to have the police called on my future self for the future karate chops that I plan to deliver to my future Bebes. But see, one of the reasons why kids need some discipline is because bad kids are a danger to themselves and to others. If your kid doesn’t listen to you, you may think that it’s all fun and games until you tell them not to cross the street by themselves, but they don’t listen, and then they are not listening under the tires of a Honda. Or, if aliens invade the planet and everyone has to shut the hell up or else the aliens will find them and eat them like a late-night $5 box at Popeye’s, but your child doesn’t listen when you tell them to put down the noisy ass toy rocketship….I’m sorry, did I say spoiler alert? Though, to be fair, ass-whoopings are kind of noisy unless your mother, like mine, took sadistic pleasure in forbidding you to cry as any reasonable human would want to do when getting an ass whooping.

This kids-don’t-listen setup is completely believable because we all know that folks’ kids is bad and they don’t listen. Basically the entire subsequent plot deals with the fallout of the inability of not one, but really two kids in the Abbot family to listen to their parents (literally and figuratively). Oh, and also, the Abbots clearly can’t stop having kids, because, apparently, opening a condom wrapper would make too much noise (the whole last hour of the movie is probably the most pro-choice material of the year because I guarantee you that an abortion is quieter than a newborn). All of this plus aliens that are always eavesdropping is tew much.

Breh, I have seen a lot of horror/thriller movies. A lot. Most of them simply regurgitate a mixed meal of other films, some of which were already no more original than the vomited plots we are stuck with these days. A Quiet Place is not completely original, as it is so hard to be these days, but it is different. Different is almost always good, and here, it is stressful as hell as well. At least now I know that I don’t have any heart problems.

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